It’s Gotten Very Hipster Around Here

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Gentle Reader,

Just a quick update today. My cousin S is visiting us from South Georgia, so we’re cooking and playing (and, in the case of certain members of our party, biting and leaking) with her!

I mentioned a little bit ago about needing to get more kibble. And since I didn’t think that their current kibble really agreed with their system, I wanted to change the puppies to a different kind of food. So I went to the internets.

I don’t know how real parents do it.

(Side note: I’ve said this before, no? I am not the puppies’ “parent”. They are dogs, I am a person. When I have tiny humans, I will be a parent. Until then, I am the puppies’ person. This is A Thing for me. The puppies’ parents are a lovely chocolate Lab named “Kahlua” and a stunning black Lab creature named “Kentucky”.)

Anyway, the GUILT!!!!

To sum up the non-loony internet advice on pet food: “All commercial pet food is certified to be nutritionally balanced. Find the one that works best for you.”

To sum up what I heard when I read said internet advice: “Sure, Dog Food You Can Buy At Walmart won’t KILL your dog, but don’t you want better? I mean, this dog is TRUSTING you to feed it good stuff. It can’t voice an opinion or choice to you. You have to look deep into the soul of your dog and interpret what they are saying. Are you SURE that Dog Food With Important Social Conscience is TOO expensive? You have three favorite types of triple-creme cheese, depending on your mood. You know when various winemakers release their various wines so you don’t miss any. You have strong opinions on ACCEPTABLE BRANDS OF MAYONNAISE, WOMAN. BUY THE EXPENSIVE DOG FOOD.”

And I only have what? 20 different kinds of kibble over which to angst? PARENTS HAVE AN ENTIRE GROCERY STORE!!!! PLUS RESTAURANTS!

Anyway, after much “research” (read: “dithering, messaging friend who is about to be a stunning vet, giving up and pouring another glass of wine, and finally returning to dithering”) I determined that Merrick was probably a good food to try.

The good news is that so far, it is working. Things that were…unsettled…before, are much better now. They are much calmer while eating. They aren’t eating as much (which, for a Lab, is HUGE). We’re SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT (TWICE! IN A ROW!) (THERE WAS A NIGHT. AND WE SLEPT THROUGH IT. AND THEN ANOTHER NIGHT. AND WE SLEPT THROUGH THAT TOO!!!!!!)

The somewhat more embarrassing news is that the package of kibble proudly proclaims that I am now feeding my dogs a “Grain-Free!”, “Gluten-Free!”, “RAW INFUSED!”, “Locally Made, In Texas!” diet.

If they start advertising that it is “Paleo”, I’m switching to Ol’ Roy and buying more wine.

And if Brix starts home-pickling and Backus starts buying skinny jeans, I’m sending them back to Kahlua and Kentucky for an ass-kicking.

Goodnight,
Lauren

PS-Merrick people, we love your food. And you don’t know us or anything but we really do. This was a totally unsolicited review/commercial for your product. Feel free to send us more, or let these two gorgeous creatures be cover models for you. They eat ALL THE DAMN TIME. They’ll work for kibble.

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