You know it’s been an altogether awful weekend when the phone call from the Henderson County Sheriff, alerting you to the presence of an escaped (armed and extremely dangerous) felon in the woods behind your house, is the best part of it.
I’m still in shock, I’m still reeling, and I still don’t quite know what to do now…but on Thursday, as I was making my way back from Moscow to The Ranch to help mama take care of daddy, Cooper died. My Boy, The Sir, my buddy, my Cooper died. It was sudden, it was unexpected, and the pain I feel right now is unlike anything I have ever had. I am incomplete. Sounds that are a part of my world (ears flapping, collars jingling, sighs, snores, barks…) aren’t there, leaving a quiet that steals my breath.
He did not appear to have been sick, frightened, or struggling. And I am glad that The Sir didn’t have any of those, alone, at the end. He had his brother, our beloved Cody, right beside him, as they have been for nearly all their lives. Suddenly, The Boys…aren’t.
Cody is restless. He, moreso than Cooper, needs a pair, a pack, someone that goes together with him.
And I can’t talk about that anymore.
As far as Moscow goes, I knew that I would know when it was time for me to make the call and go home. On Thursday, I had an unshakeable knowledge that I had to come home-RIGHT THEN, NO WAITING. My future plans right now include trying to sleep for more than an hour or two at a stretch, and to get rid of the screaming nightmares that have come roaring back. When daddy gets home, I intend on helping mama care for him so that he can be here, with his people. I don’t know how the situation with daddy is going to play out, but my plan is to go back. I doubt that I will be teaching this semester. Beyond that, I am absolutely unsure–I do believe I’ll know when it is time to go back, just like I knew when it was time to come home. I did not leave because I hated it there, or because I didn’t want to be there. The timing of daddy and the three-week syndrome (hitting the wall) was calamitous, and I wish I were a person who could do everything and do it effortlessly. I am not, and the whole range of All The Feelings is being explored. Usually on an hourly basis.
And with that, I’m going to try to sleep.
“…And Grace will lead me Home…”