An Open Letter to Our Pest Control Guy and The Scorpions,

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Dear Pest Control Guy and The Scorpions,

Not these Scorpions, you guys keep on rockin’.  Any song that mentions Gorky Park is okay by me.

Okay, scorpions, first of all, you are supposed to be giant.  And black.  And there is to be ominous music playing in the background whenever you appear.  And I think you are supposed to hiss.  What I do know is that you are not supposed to be small-ish, and BLEND IN WITH THE FLOOR, SCARING ME TO DEATH.  Let’s work on this, okay?

Now, Pest Control Dude, we’ve tried it your way.  The “legal” way.  And since your last visit, we have seen two of the above mentioned harbingers of death PLUS a spider the size of Delaware.  THIS.  IS.  NOT.  GOING.  TO.  WORK.  I realize that it is unusual for a pest control guy to have a daily stop at a customer’s house, but clearly your monthly treatments are not enough.  We’re early risers here at The Ranch, so we can be your first stop of the day.  Eventually The Boys will stop knocking you over at the door, but until then, just know it’s their form of greeting.  They aren’t fans of the various National Geographic-type critters that have invaded our home, either.

Next, let’s address the chemicals of death that you use.  Those aren’t working, either.  DDT is an underrated substance.  And Agent Orange just didn’t have a very good publicist.  Basically, what I’m saying here is if it is legal (or only recently banned) in Chechnya, we’re fine with it here, too.  Just let us know, and we’ll leave the house for a few minutes to let the fumes dissipate.

See you tomorrow morning,

Wordie

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